Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I've figured it out. I'm just angry.

I'm angry about everything. Tim asked me today why am I such an angry person. So I thought about it. Here is my list of what angers me. Be aware, it may get long.

I'm angry my birth mother left us and moved to Minnesota even though we were grown up when she did it.
I'm angry at my sisters for MULTIPLE reasons.
I'm angry me and my other siblings are not close.
I'm angry my adoptive father doesn't make an attempt to see the kids.
I'm angry that my house never stays in order even though I bust my ass to make it look good.
I'm angry that my husband thinks all he has to do is work, mow the lawn and take out the garbage.
I'm angry that my family is not close anymore. I rarely speak to any of my cousins and the one I do talk to, I haven't seen or spoke to her since October. Not for a lack of me trying.
I'm angry that Kyla's father doesn't do shit for her except act like a child himself.
I'm angry that he buys her whatever she wants but doesn't help us out with school clothes or anything she needs.
I'm angry that my kids take me for granted.
I'm angry that I have to tell them 12,569,842,547,962 times to do something and then I have to get angry and do it myself.
I'm angry that my birth father thinks he's better than everyone yet he forgets he beat the crap out of my mom when we were just tiny little babies.
I'm angry that my husband thinks every single person in his family is perfect and can do no wrong.
I'm angry that I didn't go to college right out of high school.
I'm angry that I have to depend on Tim for my clothing and roof over my head.
I'm angry that I cannot support myself.
I'm angry that I try my best to be a good mom, wife, sister, and friend and I always seem to fuck that up at some point. I know that no one is perfect but dammit, try saying something nice once in awhile to lift a girls spirits. K?

Wow, I'm seriously an angry person. He's right. I thought I was depressed when really I'm angry at every single person in my life. He asked me today if I was still taking Zoloft. I said yes. He said he thought I was a much nicer person before even taking it. Really? He asked me which was better? Me crying a lot or yelling and just being mad at the world. I said being mad. It's easier for me. I get mad at everyone and push them away. If I do that then no one will bother me. I can sit at this computer and just search the web for hours at night and be perfectly happy with that. He gets mad at me for being on here late at night because I don't go to bed with him. This is my time to relax and not have to worry about anyone bothering me to make them something to eat, or change their diaper or do some wifely duty. This is my ME time. It doesn't last long because Nathan wakes up to eat.

So pretty much, I'm angry and not depressed. I'm angry at just about every single person in my life. Well, not my step mom. She's amazing. She is the only person I've never gotten mad at. Yeah, I love her.

So, what do I do? Do I tell my doctor that really I'm just a completely miserable bitch? Ugh, decisions, decisions.


Tammy said...

Definetly tell your doctor, Kelly. I used to be angry about alot of things. Then, I decided that it just took too much energy to dwell on things that I couldnt change. And somehow, I just learned to accept things as the way they are. I wish I had some great advice on how to go about that. I think, you just make a decision that arent going to worry about other people and why they do what they do. You have a beautiful family and have sooo many reasons to be happy. It is just hard to see the good when the bad is overshadowing, I know. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

KC said...

I have a piece a paper taped to my screen at work and it says this: "Dwelling on the negative simply contributes to its power".

I know that probably doesn't help a whole due to your situation and its hard to see the positive when there seems to be such much anger and negativity around you.

Keep your head up.

andrea said...

i really think that sometimes its ok to be angry. i am angry about a lot things that have happened in my life - none of which i did, caused to happen or can otherwise change. some of which i can change, help to change or change my attitude about - but choose not too because its easier that way.
one day in jan. - i was so incredibly tired of being upset and angry and frustrated with life (and everything that goes along with it) - i had to let it out - so i did, to someone who knows nothing about me. she helped more than words can describe. the first time i talked to her, i cried almost the entire hour, but eventually we got somewhere and now, i am not so angry - i am accepting.

so those things that i can't help that make me angry and upset, i let them settle, and i try and use that negative energy for something positive - its the hardest thing i have ever learned to do.

Kristin said...

O Kelly I can relate to so much of what you said!! I get sooo angry sometimes and then it just multiplies! I actually, just tonight, really lost my temper with the kids, and just kept losing it. When they went to their bedroom I was in tears because I was so mad at them and so mad at myself for not keeping it under control. I just feel like I'm losing it most of the time. I'm here if you need to talk or vent. And I do think it would be good to talk to your doctor about it though. I'm here for ya!

kimmie said...

kelly i think you need to talk to the doctor you never even told me have of that shit and we have been friends forever you no if you need to talk i am here for you i am a very angery person but i cant write it down on what i am all angry about and that is just why i am such a bitch and hide my feeling to everyone kel keep your head up you no i am here for ya i love ya like a sister

Kristin said...

I just want to give you a great big hug. You be angry all you want! I just want to relate to the late night computer thing. This is my time too that I don't have to do anything for anyone! It's total me time!

JenM said...

I'm sorry that so much has happened in your life to make you this angry. I wish there was an easy way to just let it go, but I know there is not. I will tell you what a friend of mine at work had posted on her board:

Practice Happiness.