Monday, December 22, 2008

My thoughts for December.

I figured I'll do this now because by the time I actually remember that I have a blog I'll forget how to type.
I don't blog much and I'm sure that's obvious. Sometimes I'm just way too busy to even turn a computer on or I just have nothing to talk about like everyone else does.

I'll start with school. It's going well. My grades slipped a bit this mod. I'm still doing very well, but not 4.0 well this time. I bombed my Cardiac final but passed the class with a "C". That's passing and I should be ok with it, but I'm not. I'm far from a "C" student and it kills that I received one. BLAH on the heart!!! Curse it!!

The kids are doing great. They stress me out a ton. Sometimes I don't think I'm cut out to be a mom. I get upset with the girls so easily. I think they should know better on so many things that they do and shouldn't be doing. The fighting going on between the two of them is getting unbearable. I have so much going on that even a tiny little argument between the two of them makes me want to cut my ears off so I don't have to hear it. Tim is tired of me yelling all the time but yet he doesn't step in to try and soothe the situations either. His remedy for it all is put them in their rooms. Really? They have tv's and toys and games and books. Yeah, I can make them not turn tv's on but everything else is fun. Their bedrooms are not a punishment especially since every ten seconds Taren is running out telling me how sorry she is and she loves me. I don't fall for it but still. I love my children but sometimes I secretly wish I could pack their stuff and make them move out. Shhh, don't tell anyone I said that, k?

Tim and I are, well, ok for the most part. We have the same typical fights. I think I do way too much for the life I lead and I don't think he does enough and he thinks he doesn't need to help out when it comes to the housework or most of the kid things and he just needs to go to work. I actually kept track for one work week straight of what goes on in our home. Out of 5 days, he came home on 3 of those, ate dinner and sat in his chair for the rest of the night. One of those days he helped out by bathing Nathan and the other, well, I was sick as a dog so he had no choice. I didn't even have strength to stand up. I get so frustrated with being a single/married mom. The sad part is that it will never change. I've read the books on being a good wife, on praying for your husband, and all the other bs books I've heard about and nothing has worked for us. I will live the rest of my life with my husband waiting on him and my children hand and foot. This is not the life I wanted nor expected when I married him and had children. Well, that's kind of a lie. I knew he didn't help much but I never expected that he'd actually never do dishes, or wash floors or walls, or clean the bathroom or do a load of laundry when I forgot to because I was busy being a student, mom or coach. Wow, guess this turned into another rant of mine. Oh well, you can stop reading if you don't want to hear it. I will end up crying at the end of this blog like I do on most of my days anyways. Sorry to bring you down.

I always wonder why god gives us the lives he does. I mean, when Tim and I fight or the kids are being really bad and I end up losing my cool, what did I do to deserve it? It seems like everyone else around me has good kids, or atleast moderately well behaved children, or even a husband who actually helps clean the house and take care of the kids. Does my husband not respect me enough as his wife or mother of his children? My mental health is suffering because he acts like this and all I can do is continue to cry and whine about it hoping that one day he may just get it. I think he secretly hates me and he's stuck now that we have two children together. I'm serious. There is not much affection and he blames that on me. Maybe it is me. Why should I show affection to a person that shows no respect to me? I'm not kidding abot the whole housework arguments we have. He has this thing in his head where it's this is my job and this is his job when it comes to things in the house. All cleaning, cooking, laundry and children duties are mine along with coaching and studying that I have to do. His job is grass cutting, taking out garbage, fixing cars and going to work. I do appreciate that he does these things, however, I cut grass and take out garbage too. Why do I do these things you may ask yourself. I do them because cutting grass gives me atleast 2 hours to be by myself. I take out garbage because I see it's garbage day and just do it. How nice of me huh?

Wow, well, it's late as I just noticed and I'm tired of complaining. Time to go read one of my books and fall asleep so I can wake to another day. Thanks for sticking around this long, if you even did.


kimmie said...

it will get better for you i hope i dont think tim hates you he is a man but chris even when he works he helps me with cooking clean he throws clothes in so tim is just set in his ways like my dad lol

Brooke said...

Aw Kelly. You do so much for everyone. I hope in 2009 you are able to carve in some time for you.

I'm the same way with grades. A "C" is fine for somebody else, but not fine for me. I think you did great!