Done!!!

Yep, that's right. After tomorrow I am officially done with classes. I cannot believe it. After 10 years of being in and out of college I am graduating. What a feeling. Now the problem is finding a job and a decent paying one at that. UGH, if it's not one thing it's another. I'm tired of the financial struggle. I just want to live comfortably and be able to go to dinner on a moments notice or have a drink with friends without worrying about what bill needs paid. We need to get some bills paid off first but I'm excited about the extra income. I'm on the fence about not being home with the kids though. I love being a stay at home mom but I love being in school and having that time away from them. Some people are totally cut out to be a SAHM but not me. I just can't wait to start working and making some sort of money to contribute to this house. Yay me!

March's Blog.

Since I pretty much only do this once a month. My life isn't that exciting to blog every day. Sorry. Not much goes on in my oh so wonderful life. Atleast right now.

School is almost over. Thank gawd. I'm so over this. I'm over the non support that I get. Not so much that I don't get the support I need, I don't get the help I need either. So I'll be glad when my schooling is done and I don't have to hear the words "That's your job, you're the stay at home mom." OOO I'd like to swear at him a lot when he says that, but I won't. I love him and he only does what he was taught to do.

Kids are great. Kyla was struggling in school for a bit but seems to be doing much better now. Taren still enjoys school but she wishes I'd pick her up everyday. Hopefully I can do that soon. Nathan is doing well as always. He such a heathen.

We decided against taking Taren to a psychiatrist. Well, Tim decided against it. He feels that all they will do is drug her and I disagree. He wins. No further conversation.

Tim and I are doing well. Not arguing as much. I think it has a lot to do with me just giving in because it's not worth the argument. I need to realize that I'll never win and should just let things go. Yeah, how long will that work?

I'm so excited for my friends lately. They are either just about to have babies or having babies or going through a divorce that has been a long time coming and well deserved. To all of you who read this, I love you and I'm proud of what you are all accomplishing. Best wishes on the start of your families, the additions, and the new lives beginning.

Update on it all.

Again, not sure where to begin. Well, we will start with Taren.

I decided to take her to the doctors for her behavior problems. Dr. asked many questions and I gave long drawn out answers because everytime I had an answer I cried along with it. I've explained that she is out of control and I'm starting to lose it too. I know she has it in her to be well behaved but her dark side comes out EVERY.SINGLE.DAY. I'm explaining the behavioral problems to her and Taren is acting like an angel of course. So dr. says she's going to send us to some other dr. and we'll go from there. Fine, ok. Well, while paying my bill and waiting for the referral for the other dr Taren tells me she wants a sticker. So I tell her to ask for one and she does. The receptionist tells her she doesn't have any princess stickers but she has My Little Pony and Taren flips out. She kicks the girl, throws herself on the floor, (at this point I tell another office girl to get dr. so she can see this), screams, punches the wall and tries pulling out her hair and spits. Yep, this angel that I took in was gone and her true colors came barrelling ass out of her right in front of other patients, the dr., the nurses, and everyone else that could hear the screaming a mile or two away. I was horrified, embarrassed, and any other emotion you can think of. The dr. comes to me and pulls me aside and I'm in tears over this and tells me that Taren needs more attention than she thought. So we are going to go and do some counseling together. The dr. thinks it may be the dinamics (sp?) between the two of us but I don't know about that. She has had her days with her other grandmothers but it's every day with me. There is so much I can tell you about her but I don't want it to seem like I can only complain about my daughter because I love her with my heart and soul. I feel like such a failure with her. There are so many things I could admit to the people who read this but if I did that then I'd be a failure to you all too. It hurts so bad to feel like I can't control my 4 year old. She has a complete hold on me and knows how to push my buttons. Hopefully some counseling will help.

Cheerleading: Well, we were supposed to compete in Southington today but due to the weather it was cancelled. Come on people, like you've never driven in 8 inches of snow. GEEZ! No seriously, I was thrilled that it was. I wish I would have gotten a call earlier than 7:30 am, you know, like maybe the day before so I didn't have to do 5 hairdo's and get 5 girls up and ready by 8 to leave my freaking house! GRRRR Chalker High, GRRR!

Everything else is good. Yep, I said, I'm basically doing ok. School is rocking so far, but yet, I've only been back for a week. I start venipuncture on Monday. Totally thrilled about that! I get to poke people. YAY! Well, if you read it all, thanks for stopping by. Hope to hear a comment or two! Pics to follow.

I'm going to try and not complain this time.

HELLOOOOOO 2009!!

I'm so excited for this year. To start off............I will actually graduate college after 10 freaking years of it. Not 10 years straight of course. Yeah, I'm a quitter. I have 4 months left and I'm done. I'm sure I'll go back at some point but I'm just excited to have a degree and be able to get a real job. Not one that pays $8.00 per hour and involves being someone's slave. Woo hoo! God that's going to feel good.

My birth mother will be visiting us soon. She is supposed to come to Ohio in May. I have not seen her in either 5 or 6 years. I can't rember when she left for Minnesota. I do know I'm thrilled she will be coming. She's never seen Taren or Nathan so they will get to meet her. It can get confusing for the kids on who my mom is because my step mom has taken over the grandma role. For personal reasons she moved out of state. Believe me, she needed to. I have gotten back into contact with her and she is doing very well. I'm so proud of her. I can't wait until she comes home in May to visit.

My new years eve was pretty plain. Dawn came over for a bit and then realized she was old and tired, (love you), so she went home. Tim and I snuggled on the couch, I dozed off and on for a while, then I caught the ball dropping and went to bed at 12:10. The girls had some friends spend the night and then the next morning, everyone left, including my daughters, and I cleaned the kids bedrooms and the rest of the house. It's nice to have it somewhat back to normal clean. That's the only thing I hate about the holidays. My house never gets cleaned up! Toys everywhere! It's frustrating. But, it's clean now. Thank god.

That's all for now really. I'll get some new pics up of the kids soon. I promise. Til then!

My thoughts for December.

I figured I'll do this now because by the time I actually remember that I have a blog I'll forget how to type.
I don't blog much and I'm sure that's obvious. Sometimes I'm just way too busy to even turn a computer on or I just have nothing to talk about like everyone else does.

I'll start with school. It's going well. My grades slipped a bit this mod. I'm still doing very well, but not 4.0 well this time. I bombed my Cardiac final but passed the class with a "C". That's passing and I should be ok with it, but I'm not. I'm far from a "C" student and it kills that I received one. BLAH on the heart!!! Curse it!!

The kids are doing great. They stress me out a ton. Sometimes I don't think I'm cut out to be a mom. I get upset with the girls so easily. I think they should know better on so many things that they do and shouldn't be doing. The fighting going on between the two of them is getting unbearable. I have so much going on that even a tiny little argument between the two of them makes me want to cut my ears off so I don't have to hear it. Tim is tired of me yelling all the time but yet he doesn't step in to try and soothe the situations either. His remedy for it all is put them in their rooms. Really? They have tv's and toys and games and books. Yeah, I can make them not turn tv's on but everything else is fun. Their bedrooms are not a punishment especially since every ten seconds Taren is running out telling me how sorry she is and she loves me. I don't fall for it but still. I love my children but sometimes I secretly wish I could pack their stuff and make them move out. Shhh, don't tell anyone I said that, k?

Tim and I are, well, ok for the most part. We have the same typical fights. I think I do way too much for the life I lead and I don't think he does enough and he thinks he doesn't need to help out when it comes to the housework or most of the kid things and he just needs to go to work. I actually kept track for one work week straight of what goes on in our home. Out of 5 days, he came home on 3 of those, ate dinner and sat in his chair for the rest of the night. One of those days he helped out by bathing Nathan and the other, well, I was sick as a dog so he had no choice. I didn't even have strength to stand up. I get so frustrated with being a single/married mom. The sad part is that it will never change. I've read the books on being a good wife, on praying for your husband, and all the other bs books I've heard about and nothing has worked for us. I will live the rest of my life with my husband waiting on him and my children hand and foot. This is not the life I wanted nor expected when I married him and had children. Well, that's kind of a lie. I knew he didn't help much but I never expected that he'd actually never do dishes, or wash floors or walls, or clean the bathroom or do a load of laundry when I forgot to because I was busy being a student, mom or coach. Wow, guess this turned into another rant of mine. Oh well, you can stop reading if you don't want to hear it. I will end up crying at the end of this blog like I do on most of my days anyways. Sorry to bring you down.

I always wonder why god gives us the lives he does. I mean, when Tim and I fight or the kids are being really bad and I end up losing my cool, what did I do to deserve it? It seems like everyone else around me has good kids, or atleast moderately well behaved children, or even a husband who actually helps clean the house and take care of the kids. Does my husband not respect me enough as his wife or mother of his children? My mental health is suffering because he acts like this and all I can do is continue to cry and whine about it hoping that one day he may just get it. I think he secretly hates me and he's stuck now that we have two children together. I'm serious. There is not much affection and he blames that on me. Maybe it is me. Why should I show affection to a person that shows no respect to me? I'm not kidding abot the whole housework arguments we have. He has this thing in his head where it's this is my job and this is his job when it comes to things in the house. All cleaning, cooking, laundry and children duties are mine along with coaching and studying that I have to do. His job is grass cutting, taking out garbage, fixing cars and going to work. I do appreciate that he does these things, however, I cut grass and take out garbage too. Why do I do these things you may ask yourself. I do them because cutting grass gives me atleast 2 hours to be by myself. I take out garbage because I see it's garbage day and just do it. How nice of me huh?

Wow, well, it's late as I just noticed and I'm tired of complaining. Time to go read one of my books and fall asleep so I can wake to another day. Thanks for sticking around this long, if you even did.